is my only talent. And 'tis a curse.

No, I'm not going to use this LJ anymore. Thought I'm using it right now. Guffaw.

Over-dramatize. Bam. Boom. Over-exaggerate. Okay, well. Yeah. Still reading your petty LJs and disregarding Martin's because they're too long. 

This might be my last post here. Maybe. it has the potential to be.

i was stupid to believe it, any of it. I was stupid to do what I did. For once, I thought people wanted me. Not in the sense of bf, gf, or anything sex related, but like, i thought people actually wanted to hang out with me, be their friend, etc. I know I may sound like such a child right now, but I don't give a damn anymore. I was foolish to believe any of it. But no more. I'll try. Why did I get a little peer pressure get to me? Am I really that weak-minded? Am I really that naive? I left two, three, four people who sincerely liked me as a friend for a bunch of acquaintances(but who says they care for me too)...And i only realize this after it all happened. If I could change every thing back, take back what happened...I wouldn't. Because it has taught me something. It's a revelation. And I'm more than grateful, but now that i realize this, I do want it all to revert to it's initial state. I can't believe how stupid i am. I mean, I've always known that but it's become so apparent recently. So blatant, right in my face. Pathetic. That's what I am. I've always needed someone to hold my hand, guide me; i want to be independent, but I'm so so so far from that. I'm probably the most needy person out tehre. Even more needy than a baby right after it's birth. That's it. I'm done. And Martin don't say anything. Or Victor is dead. I swear. This is no one's fault but mine. So keep your damn mouth closed. I'm not kidding. i wasted time and effort. I thought I was running away, but was truly running to, leaving the genuine ones behind and racing towards the fake ones. Or maybe, maybe, like I said before, it's my dependence on people. Either way, i want out now, but it's not going to happen. i'm not going to try to make it happen. I would love to tell myself to just live with it, but this is too big for me to just ignore, to just throw the window and completely forget about. how I ever got the notion that people actually wanted me around perplexes me to no end. And a few days ago, I actually thought that people wanted me around. Stupid. Maybe it really is like what Martin said. Time. Time is all I need, but seriously, i doubt time can heal this. And if it does, I don't think I'll be eating my words. Never, never again. Facades, lies, crap, crap, crap. How could I have thought that. How. I'm not a likable person, never have been, never will be. So how. My god, I'm such an idiot. i can't wait till swimming starts. Oh and I accepted the position of secretary for Melody's club. Keeping busy would be helpful in keeping my mind from pondering on these bothersome things. Mohan piled the homework up this week. I fucking want to kill her, as much as I do myself.

Mohan: William don't do that. You'll kill Lauren.
Me: That wouldn't be such a bad thing...

I feel reckless. I might even go out and get myself killed. Wouldn't that be great.

It's so hard to distinguish between "words" that are just words and true, honest words that come from the heart. i do it to people, I know people do it to me.

Martin, I'm warning you. If you want your precious Victor to live, keep your mouth shut.

For now, this will be my last post here. Whether I return or not...is up to fate. I know I said I don't believe in fate, and that I've given an arguement against it, but the arguement i chose was a faultless one, one with no holes in it for fate, but i have yet to take into consideration other factors that can't be explained by free will. Either way, I'm just going to go with the flow and hope for the best. No more tampering.

I'm still keeping a blog. Just not this one.

EDITO 1/15/09: YES I REALIZE I'M 1, a loser; 2, a jackass; 3, an attention whore; 4, pathetic; 5, me.

our nation's economy is plummeting down down down the drain, I resolve to save and preserve anything and everything I can to prepare for the worst case scenario. In other words, another Great Depression, or maybe even the "Greater Depression" if it really comes to that. Let's cross our fingers (and toes) and hope not.

So, I have a first period now and fourth period P.E. I waited a whole week for this schedule change; I went to the counseling office every single break since last Thursday and finally finally finally got it! This means one class less with Martin! HOORAH! But this also means I've left Sarah and Sandra. ): We can no longer be P.E. buddies for two years straight.

Melody wants me to be the secretary of her ocapella(?!) club. Ann and Jennifer wanted me to join Homecoming (and dance, which I refused to do, so I'm not joining, not even the decorating committee because no one I really know/care for is doing it).

I hate myself. Oh yes I do. I should go do my homework  now. Boo fricking hoo.

And on one last note, COLDPLAY. (:

For once, I don't have a load of homework due the next day! I still have homework due on Wednesday, and Thursday, and Friday, so I can use my extra time today effectively and get ahead of the game. (: Hopefully. Or I might just waste my time on pointless things like web surfing and checking my LJ, FB, and Schoolloop accounts every five minutes.

I got five hours of sleep last night due to studying for the WHAP quiz today and still did bad. (: Okay that smiley face is out of place, because I've been feeling terrible after the quiz, but I keep telling myself to get over it, get on with life and can only hope I listen to my own advice.

Anyway, I should get started with my homework! x(

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